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Honestly, to bring a life into this world is easy as 1-2-3 for those who do not have fertility problems but to raise a child is the most difficult thing and it should be thought through...many many times.
The world I know today is different, very different then the world I knew and saw as a young child. With economic downturns, crazy and pervert people, technology, facebook, twitter, celebrities gone wrong, environmental issues on top of your lifestyle, your long term goals, your income, your ability to handle stresses, maturity and expected sleepless nights should all be in consideration before going to the process of child. making.
While some people do not have such concerns and would rather let things happen on its course. I seriously can't. I can't let my child die in starvation or graduate from college with a massive student loan to live with for the rest of her life. I have to make sure I have a certain level of ability to provide more than "love" to my child. It may sound like I am all about money or materialistic but raising a child requires money...lots of money... to make it through each day. Love alone can't help, emotional support and financial security go hand in hand. Diaper and formula, the most basic things that a baby needs are expensive. And those are just the two basic..basic. Don't even go on to crib, gears and a little nic nac yet. basic..basic.
I do not know much statistic about American women but based on what I know and see in a majority of Asian ladies particularly with higher education back in my country, Thailand and most Asian countries, they wait longer and longer to have kid or tend to lead a childless lifestyle. 97% of my girl friends back in Bangkok graduated with Master's Degree, some are in late 20's and some are in early 30's and they still have no kid.
I would not say what is right or what is wrong. Having a child is an individual and personal decision, and it should be thought through several times based on many factors. I often got pushed by strangers...I mean "strangers" about having kids, ridiculous! My own parents or in-laws never ever asked me that question, often it came from strangers or people who I barely knew enough to pursue such personal subjects. They asked me every time they saw me. Trust me, I "HATE" it when people told me "you should have a child because you and your husband are good looking, therefore your child would look cute". Okay..why would I want to have a child because of cuteness?!?!
My parents gave a fairly decent answer. They said as you get older, life gets lonely. When you are young couple, there are many things you can explore but at some point you would look back and wish you had a child to rely on or to look upon. That answered got me thinking....a lot. I pictured my life in my senior year say 70 years old on a Christmas day with no reason to be excited or anticipated to. It is rather depressing. Yet there are many families that go different ways and don't have such emotional bonds. Simply sad.
I didn't like kids, I was not one of those who went "awww" when seeing babies. Having a child kind of thought never ever came across my mind. I hated kids screaming, throwing tantrums, spreading germs so I stayed away from them and their parents as far as possible. My husband wanted a kid or two. He was patient enough and let me take as long as I wanted after marriage, he gave me plenty of time without pushing me to the limit. I think I got into a marriage fairly young comparing to all my friends. I graduated at 22, worked for 2 years, got married at 24. You see I didn't live to enjoy a single lady life for very long therefore I wish to wait and enjoy my childless life for as long as I can.
There are no clear cuts as what age a woman should have a child because everyone is different and ready at different points. Also, you will never know whether you can be a good mom or not until you become one. There are things I want to share with you based on facts, my "personal" experiences and perspectives.
[Stay tuned for part 2]
Ah Nelah, you always have such interesting topics. I haven't minded kids but I was never one to ooh and ahhh over them but at the same time a make a pretty good godmother and aunt to my friends and cousin's kids. I always assumed I would have children. I think it's just the way most people think it's "supposed" to be. When I met my husband he wasn't crazy about the idea of having kids. I won't go into those aspects but it bothered me at first since as I said I had always assumed I would have them. But as more and more of my friends have had kids I have grown to appreciate more and more the time my husband and I have together and the things we get to do. I'm in my early 30's so biolgoically time is ticking away for me but I don't have that angst or urge to have them. For me if it's meant to be it's meant to be but I'm not prepared to make a solid decision either way nor close the door on any possibilties. I know that if we were to have children we would give as much as we could to our kids and teach them to be good people. It may just not be in the cards for us!
ReplyDeleteyou will never know whether you can be a good mom or not until you become one - very true.... it takes experience to be a good parent :)
ReplyDeleteHi Nelah, wow, i was so happy to read this post. So many of my friends are in this boat- to have a baby or not, while, here I am, constantly debating if I should have a third. You are right, kids are so darn expensive, add in new clothes, activities, food, daycare, etc. and it's like your paying another mortgage. I do however, always offer this advice to people who ask me whether or not they should have kids: 'life is full of choices. You will never regret having a child, but you may always regret not having one'. Just some food for thought. Can't wait for part two!
ReplyDeleteHow interesting that you raise this topic. I'm a mom of one and never considered whether to have a child while I was childless. I just knew I wanted children. It's only after having a baby that I realized how truly life changing it is to have a child. Aside from the financial aspect that you mentioned, basic personal needs should also be considered. Going to dinner with friends on a semi-regular yet spontaneous basis? Forget about it - at least for the first few years. Heck, going to the bathroom alone is a luxury. There are truly so many things to consider. Can't wait to read what else you have on your mind.
ReplyDeleteHI Nelah, what a great topic. It's such a big decision to have children. I always knew I wanted them and now that I have 3, I cannot imagine my life without them. I do agree that when I am older, it will be wonderful to have my children and grandchildren around at Christmas and have big, fun family dinners. It does cost a lot to have children but my Mom told me once that sometimes if you wait until you can afford to have children, you never will. I agree you need to have enough money to provide the necessities. My parents weren't well off but gave us (my sister and I) everything we needed and a wonderful childhood full of great memories. We had what we needed but no big trips to Disneyland like our friends and no extracurricular activities. It's all individual and it's not easy that's for sure! But so worth it!
ReplyDeleteGreat discussion topic!
I thought kids were loud and smelly and scary, and I didn't want 'em! And then I had one. :) And now I'm pregnant with #2. I still don't like other people's kids, but I'm in absolute love with my own. :) Oh, and I'm one of your NOT-young and fresh readers! I waited to have my first child at age 34 (after I'd not only gotten my master's degree but worked for several years), and now my second's coming at age 37. Waaaay old to be birthing babies, but I wouldn't change it for anything. My husband and I are still energetic and in decent shape, and we're also financially sound, seeing as how we're, ya know, old. :) I never, ever, preach to others that they should have kids...because I don't believe everyone should. But I cannot imagine my life without my own kid(s)...nor would I wanna!
ReplyDeleteinterestin topic.
ReplyDeleteim newly wed (1.1.11) and told my husband that i do not want to have kids. so yeah, no kids for now (unless in the near future id change my mind)
but i knw wt u mean, when strangers pesters us to start havin kids asap. i mean, comm'on, who do you think you are?
anyways, like you, i wanna enjoy my 'childless' life for as long as i could ;)
I always love kids but never thought if i would make a good one..i just never really see myself as a mother or those soccer mom type. Now that I have kaylee..well it's a different story..i embrace every moment of it. I agree that giving love to them is the most important thing but also we as parents should also give them the financial they need when they are a lil older...so sometimes love is not enough.
ReplyDeleteHi Nelah,
ReplyDeleteGlad you decided to talk about this topic because I have been wondering for ages if my hubby and I should ever have a child.
In an Asian society like ours, it's inevitable to be pressured by family, friends and strangers to procreate and have as many children as you possibly can! It's so annoying because I've never had any maternal instincts whatsoever. My hubby too doesn't yearn for children. :P At this point, it doesn't seem like we will ever regret not having children, but I'm not sure if our views would change as we age.
I'm looking forward to your next post!! :D
What a fantastic post - I have been thinking of this lately because there is so much I still want to do with my career and I am not sure when kids fit in the picture - but there is so much pressure. Looking forward to Part 2 :)
ReplyDeleteI was enjoying your post and thinking, how open-minded and wise of her to express some not-so-often discussed truths of child-rearing in our society.. But then towards the end, I was a little disappointed that you referred to that potential threat of loneliness in old age as a reason to want a child. That disappointed me because, as a woman who does not have kids, I hear that as a kind of almost-threat from others, a lot. Also, because, as a home health nurse, I see many many elders, and from what I've seen, the ones who are lonely are the ones who have lost their spouses, irregardless of whether or not they've had children. There are also some studies out there that point out that having had kids does not lead to a happier old age (instead, it's quality of health and an active social life with peers). Sorry this comment is so long.. You really have a lovely blog, and I wish you well, but I just had to throw in my 2 cents.
ReplyDeleteNelah, you actually wrote this post coz you were inspired by me? Aww... I feel so honoured. =) As what you say, write you an essay by all means, I shall do just that.
ReplyDeleteIn Singapore, it's a little of a mixture. I have friends and cousins having a kid as soon as 9 months after the wedding, some shotgun (oops) and some still childless after a few years, whether by choice, by circumstance or by happenstance.
I really cannot fathom how people out there keep asking when we're gonna have kids. It's really annoying esepcially so when these people already have kids and think they have the right to "lecture" me coz they had had kids or when these people are unmarried and just enjoy teasing us. It's not really funny at all. I don't even ask them when they're gonna have a bf/gf, when they're gonna get married, when they're gonna have baby #2, #3, #4 so why should they intrude into my privacy? As for the older generations, I can't really say much since they're the older generation and we've to get used to such constant reminder from the older generation to pro-create. I'm appalled by how strangers advise you to have kids coz they would be cute kids due to good genes. There are many reasons to have kids and that is definitely not a sagely advice.
I also don't like the fact that people think it's only a natural step after marriage is to have kids and if you don't follow this "norm", you're abnormal. We would certainly have kids when we're ready. On the other hand, people who really care for me did tell me not to wait too long at times coz by the time we're mentally and financially ready, we might not be physically ready anymore and by then, we might regret. I understand how true that is as well.
As for feeling lonely w/o kids. I don't quite agree with that completely. If I were to have a kid and raise him or her well, I've to prepare myself to be loving and raising them with unconditional love. I don't like it when parents expect their kids to repay them just because they gave birth to them. I've seen many annoying parents who think that way. Or course, this is only applicable to not so good parents who expect their kids to return the favour. If the parents are good and the kids are understanding and filial, they would naturally return them with lots of love.
I'm not too sure if I sound contradicting up there or whether I'm writing in a clear manner. I tend to rattle on on comments and form my thoughts better only for blog posts.
I wish more people thinking about whether to have kids or not would read your post especially seems it comes from someone who didn't used to like kids.
I really can't wait for Part2!
BTW, I went to check out the Dior bag today. Singapore is selling the big one for SGD1750 and the medium one for SGD1600. My hubby told me that the medium one suited me more though I feel that the big one is really more roomy and can double up as a diaper bag next time! The pink one is soooooo sweet. I love the nudish pink shade but I was wearing pink pants today so it didn't quite stand out and hubby said the beige one looks a lot better (prob coz of the pink pants) lol
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to this post Nelah! Hubby and I have been together for a long time but married for 3 and we have yet to have kids. We can't stand screaming and un-behaved children so the thought of it makes me cringe but I do at some point want to have one- just not anytime soon...
ReplyDeleteTHANK YOU SO MUCH FOR WRITING THIS POST!!! First of all, in my office, I am the only person who is not married and or doesn't have kids. As for the comment on you and husband are good looking so you should have kids is a silly reason. I am SO tired of the question of when I am going to get married and kids, since I turned 30 this year. I am very happy with my life the way it is, and there is still so much still to be done with my career. Kids are cute, but they're a long standing responsibility that I am just not yet ready to handle. My mom tells me that she's afraid I'll get lonely once I am in my old age, but I am planning to live in a retirement home, not too many people in old age live with their kids anyway, that I won't be lonely. :D
ReplyDeleteLol. This post triggered lots of thoughts on my mind. I have been married since 2006 and still childless. My husband ( and my in-laws!) has been wanting a child for years but I am not ready yet for so many reasons. I was brought up in a way that career and individuality are pivotal to a woman not just man. Both my sisters are extremely career-minded too and they didn't have their children till their mid 30 and early 40s. That's why I work like mad, although I play like mad too....therefore leaving no time for family. Having said that these days, my mom has been dropping the hint that I may be old....I am starting to be aware that my biological clock is ticking far too long. Are my eggs gonna go off soon??? Yikes
ReplyDeleteBut Nelah, like what you said, raising a child is so expensive, in terms of Money and Time. Maybe someday, whatever it is, I hope I just don't regret whatever choices that I make.