A peek inside (this) mommy's heart~*

I used to be the kind of woman who was not super emotional/sensitive…I was fearless…I was not worried much about anything….up until the day I brought another life into this world.

My world has changed, life is not about “me, myself and I” anymore. I become very emotional..tears fill my eyes much easily now that ever..I experience fears…many fears...I begin to worry…about many many things – health...does she eat enough? what if she is sick, safety...will she be okay at the daycare? will she be safe?, people around her, future, our financial stability...do we have enough emergency money saved up? do we put enough money in her saving?... and literally everything under the sun. Just can’t help it when there is another “life” that depends on me in every single aspect.

I love my daughter more than any word can describe, I love her to the point that it hurts. How? You love someone and the thought of not having that person hurts. That kind of fear make your heartache and that is how I feel inside. What if something happen to me, how is she going to live? Will someone find out soon enough and take her to a safe place? What if something happens to her…how am I going to live my life? These kind of questions, fears and worries, most people will never understand until they become a mother.



There are times…many…many…many…many times I feel exhausted, burned out by the duties of motherhood. There are many…many…many…many…many occasions I have meltdowns and confusion from the demand of motherhood, being a full time working woman, a dirty house which I feel too tired to clean and keep up, my husband’s unusal work schedules which allow very very less time for us to spend as a family. I feel drained and dead tired.

At one time, I said to my husband that "I feel like I don't have my life anymore". His repsonse was short, simple, straight forward and opened my eyes "this is your life, right now". It is true..very very true. Parenthood is all about sacrifice and devotion. There are several things I want to accomplish...I want to start up a small side business..I want to take a photography class..I want to start my crafting projects....but I realize it is harder than ever being a mom, a full-time working woman, a housekeeper and everything. I can't just take off and do what I want to do anymore because this is not just me. Sometiems I am mad that I can't do what I want to do. There are bumpers along the road here and there. Perhaps, when the time is right I will have some opportunities to pursue my dreams..there are always hopes..it is just not the right time at the moment. I have to tell myself to focus on the most important thing....my daughter.

After my daughter is asleep, I often sneak in…turn on the light and walk quietly towards her crib. I stay by her crib, sit on the floor..stare at her through the bed rails…I could stay there, watch her and lose track of time…as if I could live that moment forever. She looks so peaceful and beautiful. Her long eyelashes, her messy hair, her chubby cheeks, her little nose and those little lips….I stay there and soak in the moments. All of sudden I feel the “strength” and am reminded that this little person in front of me is the reason to be strong and carry on.